…between me and those around me. while growing up; i moved a round a lot. so much that when i think back to things nothing seems to add up in years, location, or even people…its all i blur of memories that appear then disappear into the mass of space and time.
i think this…never rooting in one place or another…has made me flexible and acceptable to almost any kind of change. but its always made me used to not being close to anyone…even those i love. i have always been away from family…years at a time…i haven’t seen my father for seven years and my little brother in three…i miss my brother a lot, he now a man living in a grown up world.
this is something i’ve learned to lend myself over to…but something that has crippled me in a sense.
i care very much so many in my life…even those who i speak very little to…i think of. but that care, that affection is never spoken…many times such things never have to be addressed and it is just to know someone…but it pains me. if only i could, without fear, or whatever it is that hold me from it…to love and be close to others.
it seams that we get let few if any in…allowing them to see our vulnerable parts. is it just enough to love them…does addressing that make it so, or does it just exist and remain? and is that enough?

…my lovers eyes

so i can see why he loves me….
photo by: J.W. Walker

…history….culture…time. inevitable things that consistently pass…if we were not to take notice of the past; does it matter…overall, we are effected either way…but to what consequence?
i feel it running cold in my veins. the poison of the future. it runs fast, devouring everything in its path…shaking the foundations of the past, and laying waste to synthetic smelling functions.

to remain in the past is death; for the present refuses digression in momentum…but the future forgets.
my heart aches because i know nothing of those that came before me, that toiled so that i can sit in the place i am privileged to be. but is it birth or is it pain that enables us to progress…or is it the pain of birth? what connection do i have to those i have never seen?

is it not the Lord who places me in my life? was it not the grace of God that Joseph was saved from being a slave, in which his own siblings sold him to be. was it not Saul who was changed by Divine Intervention form a life of killing to a bearer of the Gospel….our appointed destiny.

since i was a child; i knew that my life was not in vain. the reason and appointment, was never clear; but the continual feeling of purpose haunted me, and haunts me still. there was a time i cursed God because he put this inside me…and did not tell me what…or why…but slowly…despite my knowledge of the past….despite my knowledge of the future….i know that in this present there is much beauty in a dying world…love exist and we must chase after It always.